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Other Mothers Tears . . . . 



The response that I've had from these pages has just been overwhelming to me. When I started this project, I actually had no idea that anyone would even read my work. I merely hoped that in writing and working here, that I could help myself cope with the addiction that has taken over my daughter's life. What started out as a "me" project ..... has turned into a "we" project. So many of "us" are out here ... struggling with this problem, that now ... with God's help and guidance, we can help each other to cope.

I've received such wonderful letters and notes from so many people, that I requested their permission to use their words. As I read your letters, I drew such strength from them that I wanted to share your words with everyone in hopes that they too, could draw from them as I did.

I've compiled some of the reader responses here and hope to add many more. In some cases, I was asked to re-word for clarity, but in most part, they are just as I received them. I have, of course, removed the names and the email addresses for obvious reasons.

If you have a story that you would like to have posted here, just send it to me at ... VReeceNC@aol.com ... and let me know.   By sending the story to this link, you are granting permission for me to print it.

 


I have three sons ages, 23,19,17.  My oldest son in addicted to crack, pain killers, pot, and I think he has done just about every drug there is.  This has been going on since he was 12 years old.  I am 48 and in very bad health. I have had many operation for all kinds of things.  I have done everything I could to help him.  I am tired now, I have been dealing with adicts all of my life as my father was addicted to pain killers.  He died when I was 17.  My brother became an addict at age 14, he died in 2003, at age 50.  Then I married one, I divorced him after two years and raised my three sons alone. I did the best I could but it wasn't good enough.
 
My son just had a baby girl in March, and now I worry even more.  I just had to get a restraining order against my son.  He comes to my house and steals my pain meds, if I dont give them to him, he will bust up the house, so I have not seen or heard from him in about two weeks.  I feel like this if killing me. I can barely get through each day. I sleep a lot so I dont have to think or worry.  I'm glad I found your site.  Most of the time I feel like I'm the only mother in the world that is going through this.  I love my son more than life itself.  I would die for him if he would just get well.
 
Thank you for letting me write, I have never done this before, tell people how bad my heart hurts.
 
Mom of an addict

I am 14 years old and i have a sister that is 19 years old and she has been
addicted to cocaine for 7 years and she has blew off her family. She also
has lost her house four times because of it.  She used to let me come and stay
at her house every weekend, but one day she just up and quit.  But then one day, i walked in on her cutting her arms and snorting a line and it crushed me to see her in so much pain.  I told my mom and we got her some help and she
has been clean for one and a half years now and we are very happy for her.  I may not be a mother, but I look up to my big sister.  Being a sister is just as hard as being a mother.  Thank You.

 

After reading many of the mother's letters, I thought I should share with them about my son.   He started using crack when he was 20 years old. In fact, his first cousin introduced him to it. He had 2 1/2 years of college, majoring in psychology.   After many local jail sentencing, he finally got to federal prison. He served 26 months for selling to an undercover cop. He is not a dealer per se, but one day he wanted a piece of crack so he sold it to get his piece.

Over the years, I have been a faithful member of ALA-non, so I work my program and hope that one day he would work his program.  Many, many nights over the years I have had many sleepless nights. I sometimes wonder why he would steal off of me. 

Since he has been out of federal prison for 3 months, he lived with his girl friend and his 2 children.  I went on a 14 day cruise and when I returned I found my house had been broken into and several items missing from my shed. I was very very angry. I went to the pawn shops and found my stuff and had him arrested. He is not to be found.

I have turned him over to God a long time ago. I must tell you how I did that. I purchased a balloon and put his name in it and went to a wide open field and let it go.  I said "God he is yours!" 

I have found out over the years, that mothers are big time enablers. I have never once gotten my son out of jail, nor hire an attorney for him.  Self-preservation is the first law of nature. I have come to the reality that I need to take of me.   As of this day, I have no idea where he is and deep inside I do not care. He is on 3 years federal probation and the probation officer is looking for him, as is the car dealer.  I only pray that he will not hurt someone and that he not get hurt.  

No, it is not easy seeing someone you love waste their life away, but we must all let do and let God.  I do thank you for the time you let me share some of my story.

A Mother of a Crack Addict Son

I am a 42 year old mother of six, 25 to 4 years old. I have 3 adult sons who all do drugs, pot and meth, but the 22 year old has been a heroin addict for the past 3 years. Anthony is his name. He is tearing our family apart! I cannot stop helping him and believing his lies. I fear him being homeless walking the streets. I feel so much guilt for their younger years. I blame myself for him being a heroin addict. I have come to the point where I occasionally use my pain medication to kill my pain from all this. I am a Christian and I have seen GOD work in my children's lives. I pray and pray ...... that is all that keeps me sane. I try to let him go and say GOD he is yours but I always end up putting my two cents in and carrying him through it. At this time I and my children have said we will not help him, this is it and by tomorrow Anthony will have no home to stay in. I have given him numbers of all kinds of programs but he puts it off. I am so thankful to come across this web site. All of you are feeling as I do. I feel like I am not alone anymore. This is not something you share with your neighbors.  I feel like I am living a secret life.  I look forward to talking to someone who knows what I am going through.


 

I would be pleased to have you print my letter. If there is anything that I may do to help someone cope with this type of problem, I will be more than willing. There are so many folks around that are addicted to pain killers and they think that because a doctor prescribes them that it is not an addiction. It is so sad to see people not be in touch with reality because they are under the influence of some foreign substance.

I worked for 19 years with juvenile delinquents and had dealings with lots of drug and alcohol abuse and addiction, so I have had my share of coping and understanding from different views. It is heartbreaking and so frustrating to see how the web of addiction can wrap one up and keep them entangled. It is almost as though you are watching an insect caught up in a sticky spider web. They fight and fight and then it is as though they just give up to die in the web. It is so sad too, because if you try to rescue them from the web, you stand a chance of getting caught in the web with them, maybe not from becoming addicted, but by being an enabler, simply because our hearts are so attached to them. To rescue someone from the web of addiction, it takes a team effort of more than just one other person.

We must remember that even Christians can become entangled in this web sometimes, too. It is no respecter of persons and knows no boundaries. I see it as one of Satan's most deadly and destroying tools. But then Jesus told us in John 10:10 .... the thief comes not but for to steal and to kill and to destroy. The beautiful part of that verse is the second part: I am come that they might have life and have it more abundantly. Jesus is the deliverer from the web of addiction whether it be drugs or alcohol. The only answer for someone hooked is to be cleansed and filled with the Holy Spirit and then break all ties to the people they have associated with while in the addiction. New heart, new friends and a new lifestyle are all requirements to stay clean. It is a daily struggle with dependence on God to help in times of weakness. Pride is one of the deadly pitfalls for someone trying to make the break by themselves. There has to be a support system and there can be no pride to call for help when needed in a struggle of weakness. Empathy, unconditional love, understanding and compassion are all requirements when trying to help someone who is sincerely trying to break from the web of addiction. I ask myself all the time, what would Jesus do? I can't give up and I can't rely on my own strength in helping folks who are addicted. My friend I told you about has no one but me and my Lord trying to help her break from the addiction to pain killers.

 


 

Reading your story was like reading my story. Only our daughters names and ages are different, mine is 28, yours is 32. I know all of what you are talking about and just how you feel. The nights that you lie in bed and tears just run down your cheek thinking of the daughter that you love so much, and the fear of out-living that child because of the drugs. I have lived the nightmare of a police officer ringing my doorbell and asking if I was her mother and telling me that she was at the local hospital with a drug overdose and then arriving at the hospital and having a doctor tell me that if they don't get her heart rate down soon, her heart would explode. Beach Heads Divider


 

I too have a beautiful daughter addicted to drugs, but she is addicted to prescription drugs. But ... I know how you feel because it has caused hurt, anger and has even come to the point of separating our family, and like you, we know of no way to fix it. To others, she is a great person and deep down she is, but to those of us who really know her, we know how cruel she can be. The lying, stealing and all that goes with it, hurts every one in the family.

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I am also the mother of a drug addict. He told me about it on my birthday 5 years ago by writing me a note from a drug therapy hospital and having it delivered to me by a friend of his. I know how you feel and all the unconditional love you have for your daughter. It seems as if the Lord knows you need comfort and sends someone or something. To me, he sent you and your site, not once but twice. I was really down and out today, and the Lord sent you. You see, yesterday would have been his 30th birthday, but I didn't have him here to celebrate with me. I lost him to drugs 3 years ago this coming April. I too, turned my child over to God. It was hard then, and it still is to this day. Please keep up the good work. My prayers will be with you and may angels surround you and your daughter always. Please give her a HUG for me.
 

I too, am a mother of addict(s). I have three girls and one boy. My son is 28 and my daughters are 30, 37 and 38. Both the oldest girls have been down the road of alcohol and drugs. My oldest was the worst. It took many years for her to get to where she is now .... clean and sober! She is living with me for a while to get her second start. My second daughter never told me how serious her problem was because she knew how much I worried about the oldest. I've thanked her many times over for that. I don't think I could have handled it. The oldest .... drunk driving tickets, accident where an older man was killed, prison, broke parole, back to prison, rehab .... the list goes on and on. It was a long road and I really wondered if she would EVER be delivered. God heard my prayers.

My third daughter is still on that road. The girl I NEVER would have thought would be where she is. So sad. She's a very bright girl, had a very good job at a young age making a large salary, lost her job, lost her new car, lost her apartment, lost everything. She now lives with various friends. Some have tried to help her. She knows she can come home at any time, but ONLY when she can say, "I need help with my problem. I need a rehab." The door is open, but only on our terms. It's been about four years since her good job. Each time since, she gets a job and can't keep it for more than a week or so. I wonder how long she will keep this one. She desperately wants to keep this one, says she isn't going to mess this one up. I asked her how the "liquid diet" was coming along. She knows what I'm referring to. She says "okay, not a problem." However, I know it is a problem. Cutting down doesn't do it, only stopping will.

No one can help a person like that. Tough love is the only way. It's so hard, but I won't enable her at all. But I'm here to help when she is ready. She is in God's hands, and I'm OK with that.

 


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I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone. I have walked in your shoes. For many, many years, I did everything in my power, both financially and legally, and also in raising my two grandaughters, to try to save my son. He destructed everything in his path, from two marriages to neglect of his children. Finally one day, I fell to my knees and asked God to take over for me. I had tried my best, which was not good enough. To make a very long story short, it was only after he was incarcerated for a year and a half in a state prison that he finally, as I say, woke up. I've heard of tough love, well while he was in prison, I practiced it. No visits, no letters and certainly ... no money.

Now he has been "well" for over two years. He says it's a battle everyday because there is so much talk and availability everywhere. He just has to remember where he spent a year and a half and the hell he went through "alone" .... to bring him back to reality.

Don't lose hope. Pray a lot, and most of all "Trust In God." That is the only thing that will make YOU well again.

 

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Thank you so much for your page. I cried as I read it because we too, "have had an elephant in our house." Our son started experimenting with drugs at the age of 17 and by the time he was 20 he was in prison for murder, and then lowered to voluntary manslaughter. To make a long story short, he was sentenced to prison 6 years to life ... it nearly broke our hearts. I went through some horrific times while he was in prison and if it wasn't for my wonderful Lord, I could not have made it as well as I did through this period. He spent four years in prison and while there, he accepted the Lord. He did many things to get his life back together, then after his release, he came to work for us in our automotive repair shop. By this time, he had remarried and had started attending church. He and his wife had their first child 1 1/2 years after his release, then another 3 years later, then another 10 years later. In between this time, he stopped working for us and went into business with a non-Christian. It didn't work out and he came back to us very discouraged, left church, his marriage began to fail, and he went through bouts of depression.

Then, once again, he started to get involved with the wrong people and then it wasn't long until he was back on drugs. By this time, his marriage had really fallen apart, and his wife asked him to leave. My husband co-signed a loan for him ($10,000) to help him get his business back on its feet and I'm sure you can guess the outcome, he never paid back a penny of it. One night he broke into our business and took $40,000 worth of rare guns and jewelry. Once again, we were devastated and our hearts were broken. When was this all going to end? Were we contributing to his habit by taking him back all the time? By now he was 36, in and out of prison, back and forth with his wife and children, breaking the heart not only of his wife, but his beautiful daughters, and ours. Finally his wife told him to leave and never come back, which he did and we saw him only a few times in six years, not knowing if he was dead or alive for months and months. Once again he was caught dealing drugs and sentenced to 17 months in a state prison.

But, by this time, we had let him go. That is the only way one can cope with a person that is an addict. We left him in the hands of our Great God and Heavenly Father. We prayed much, but were at peace at last .... wonderful how our Lord gives us such peace if we just let go and not try to enable them to keep using you. 

He's now out of prison and once again working for us. He's been doing good, but has once again in the past two years, fallen several times. Once you are on drugs and that weakness is still there, it is so hard when things get tough, not to try and escape with drugs. If they would just only realize, it's NOT an escape, it's just a lie of Satan. And then, their problem is still there, but now compounded with guilt and shame because of falling again.

Our son is now 46 and he looks like an old man. When I look at him, it nearly tears my heart out, but again, I must each day release him unto the Lord, and it is getting better because I realize that only he can do the changing and not even him, only God can deliver him and give him the strength to stay awy from it, so I have peace, that peace that passes all understanding. My husband is having a harder time releasing him, but he's getting better at it. We can pray for him and that is the greatest thing that we can do, and also love him right where he is at this time in his life. I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow .... and he is in His hands.

Thank you for reading this long email. Thank you for the opportunity of letting me share my shattered dreams with you. One always has such high hopes for their children, but we cannot make their choices for them, as much as we would like to. We can pray and love them in spite of everything ... and the rest is up to them.

 


 

I have just read your pages and they certainly are inspired by God. There are tears in my eyes and deep emotion in my heart. I too, have a daughter who is chemically dependent. I understand about the "elephant" and also after years of cleaning up after it, how tired and worn out we become. I can't and don't clean up after this elephant anymore. Looking back, I wonder why I ever did. But we try, we mothers, to leave no stone unturned in our quest to save this person we love more than we love ourselves.

My daughter is much better now. It's a wonder she is still alive if even half of what she's told me is true. The alcohol ceased to exist years ago, the pot has not been smoked in eons, the crack is gone and now she is overweight. I prefer the overweight. But the pills ..... begged, borrowed, or stolen are still there. Depression is chronic and acute, dragging her into a void so dark she can barely get out of bed to be a mother to her four children. I bombard heaven continually for her and my precious grandchildren. She has found a new medicine, Wellbrutin, that seems to be helping. How did this all start .... and will it ever end? Why did she choose drugs as a way to escape her very real pain? Didn't she know, even at so young an age, what the consequences of her choice would be? I see hope ..... there is hope for complete recovery. If she and I didn't have that to hold on to, I don't know what would become of her .... or me. If feel, deep down in my heart, the underlying cause in my daughter is her unwillingness to endure pain. Yes, she was sexualy abused and I do know the very real hell and scars that damage someone's soul. I have been there myself, but did not choose to take drugs. My life has actually been much more traumatic and hurtful than hers and I weathered through it all. I learned the necessary coping skills and very painfilled life lessons. Taking the drugs to alleviate her pain has been a two-edged sword that has resulted in the postponing of walking through pain to reach the other side and be free of it, and has caused much more pain in the long run.

I pray to God to give her inner strength and determination to leave no stone unturned in her quest to be whole and free. My prayers will be with you and your daughter as I hope your prayers will be for me and mine. God Bless You.

 


 

I feel for you. My heart and prayers go out to you. I, like you, have lived this nightmare. I lost my oldest son who was 19 in September of last year. I feel so responsible. He had been through 3 programs and had just finished one and was living in sober living. He used an inhalent the morning he died. There were no alcohol or drugs in the house. He had just moved in with his grandmother a couple of days before. He used acid, weed and alcohol and he liked to huff aerosols (the silent drug). My son is now dead and along with that, all his dreams and hopes on this earth. He wanted to be a missionary and had learned the Tibet language in order to go there. I know drugs are from Satan and they do destroy the person and the people who love them. I feel so responsible because I prayed to God to please heal him, or take him, because I couldn't watch him destroy himself any longer. I know how hard it is to release them to God. I know God loved my son more than I ever could because his word tells us that. Why God took my son and didn't heal him, I don't know, why some and not others, only God knows that. I pray God will be your refuge and strength in this time. I have started a memorial fund in my son's name in order to get the word out about inhalents, the most abused drug. Shaving gel was the inhalent that took my son's life.

 


 


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